Sour Candy

*sigh*, I can breath again. Just a bit.

I’ve been thinking way too much lately. Way too much. About choices, events and destiny. It’s really irritating, because I try desperately to shake certain thoughts, but my mind denies my denial. I tend to over think things, which can be a dangerous thing. Its fun having an imaginative mind – a tie to innocent childhood – but reshaping reality into a paradise in your mind just isn’t a good thing. Not always, at least. Sure, sometimes it’s fun playing the what-if game, but when your balancing on sane reality and insane ifs – a nauseating up-and-down tightrope walk that blurs the faces in the audience – harmless speculation becomes infatuation. The latter is never a good thing, no matter what the subject matter. A product of stress and loneliness.

Also, I’ve noticed that my “don’t care” strategy back-fires sometimes. To explain briefly: I’m physically and mentally tired of bending over backwards for people who don’t appreciate what I’m trying to do. So I adopt an “I don’t care” attitude. The problem is that this is contrary to what I’ve always been. Neither this nor the previous attitude was a wholesome one, but it’s going to take time to strike a balance. Until then, it’s just time to move on.

[A friend told me a while back that I deserved a certain opportunity. Unfortunately the world does not operate around the deserving.]

I sort of wish for a start over. Naïve and highly unlikely, but what’s the harm in playing the what-if game every now and again?