Playing Pazaak in my Head

...switch the face of the +1/-1 card, the totals are nine-ten. Switch the face of the +2/-2 card, the total is eight-eleven. Switch...

I have recently realized that I am no longer alone with myself. Why I may be by myself, I am not alone. The radio is always on or some thought process is echoing through my head: preparations, planning, worrying, excitement.

So, of course, I’m hiding from something; shielding myself from something. From myself. I’m keeping thoughts out. Whether it is a nest of demons or an id I did not believe was so dominant, I don’t know. Who knows. It’s scary when there are questions no-one else can answer for you.

I also caught a glimpse of my super-ego this week, and I did not like it. It was much more immature than one would expect. But then, do I really have grounds for high expectations? I can’t even keep my behavior in check – primal instincts that make me sick. I must be better than this! I should be.

This is the battle I’ve been fighting all these years: to become a better person. Its all relative and subjective, but it might be time to re-evaluate ‘better’. It might be time again to open that Pandora’s Box that is my mind. Hopefully, in my box, the good spirits are also still trapped, waiting to escape and make everything better.

I am spirit; I live in a body and have a soul. I have an ego, far removed from the id, longing for the super-ego. We are all complexly intertwined.

The need for dependencies is strong. After all, we are all told we need them. I believe we don’t. For the most part, at least. Independence from people is a strange concept. They say no man is an island. Aren’t some of we, at least? It’s easy to be radical in a group. But when you stand alone...

On the other hand, is my quest for independence from people justified, or is it because I do not want to face the faults in my ego? The inherent flaws that form part of my personality? Can a person really change anything about him? I believe so. Just because its hard doesn’t give me the right to hide behind question marks like so many other people. The words of other people. Other people. But when you are alone...