This is Sad
I’ve been spending so much time at my PC, on Linux, this past week or so, I’ve lost touch with reality. I’ve been working on my Computer Science project, desperately trying to dig myself out of a shallow grave I dug when I (carelessly) started the project. Anyway, it’s done now (with some help - thanks Freeman!). I can try to return to normal now.
It’s been so bad that, for the whole of last week, I didn’t know what the date is, but I could tell you that the moon is a waxing crescent and it has been six days since new moon. I can do this, because the version of KDE I run has a little application that sits in the bottom right corner of the screen: a little moon showing the phases (there is a clock and a calendar, too, but they are small and uninteresting). So, that has been the state of affairs. On Wednesday I have another Applied Maths test I have to start studying for, but in my infinite wisdom I’ve started playing Rome: Total War again. The good news, at least, is that my campaign is going very well...
Games aside, I’ve reached the phase where I am no longer timid and afraid. Uncertain, always, but I’ve made peace with “what-ifs”. It’s better than knowing than never knowing. You have to be an active participant: if you sit safely on the sidelines of life, someone else will crash into you when they screw up and run their life into the ditch. It’s better to deal with the carpet burns and the bruises than being in traction.
But there is always a bloody complication: fictitious or otherwise.
So there’s this girl I’ve been fancying for quite a while now. We don’t really know each other, but see one another regularly enough. At first it seemed like just another infatuation I could brush off, but this one has stuck. I still won’t give it any other label, but that’s how it is.
So there is nothing I would rather do than to ask her out for coffee or something. I’ve found myself more than ready on more than one occasion. It’s like casting off everything and running full speed to leap into the abyss. But I’ve stopped myself right on the precipice: a brilliant braking manoeuvre. You see, the problem is that I think. I think too much. I know “foresight is so often blind”, but it’s what I’m cursed with. I think about everything, ‘running simulation and situations in my head’ and then weighing the outcomes. This is, I believe, a common observation by women about men: men over think things, especially at the start of a relationship.
Here’s what bothers me at the moment: me. Reading though the archives of this blog, you’ll find I’ve sporadically complained about some dark hole I’m in. Although I’m still not ready to divulge the details, I am still a mess. I’m a little better, thank you, but only slightly. Nobody likes it when somebody brings baggage into a relationship from day one and I have a cargo hold full. Everyone has issues, I know, but I believe mine shows a bit obviously at the moment.
For once in my life, I’m not scared of rejection. I’m ready to take the chances, roll the dice and pull the trigger. I’d rather know than wonder. Still, I won’t shoot myself in the foot with something like this. For once in my life, I have a valid reason to be cautious, to keep my distance temporarily. And here I am back again in my cosy little niche between the wall and the rock face. I always end up here.
It’s been so bad that, for the whole of last week, I didn’t know what the date is, but I could tell you that the moon is a waxing crescent and it has been six days since new moon. I can do this, because the version of KDE I run has a little application that sits in the bottom right corner of the screen: a little moon showing the phases (there is a clock and a calendar, too, but they are small and uninteresting). So, that has been the state of affairs. On Wednesday I have another Applied Maths test I have to start studying for, but in my infinite wisdom I’ve started playing Rome: Total War again. The good news, at least, is that my campaign is going very well...
Games aside, I’ve reached the phase where I am no longer timid and afraid. Uncertain, always, but I’ve made peace with “what-ifs”. It’s better than knowing than never knowing. You have to be an active participant: if you sit safely on the sidelines of life, someone else will crash into you when they screw up and run their life into the ditch. It’s better to deal with the carpet burns and the bruises than being in traction.
But there is always a bloody complication: fictitious or otherwise.
So there’s this girl I’ve been fancying for quite a while now. We don’t really know each other, but see one another regularly enough. At first it seemed like just another infatuation I could brush off, but this one has stuck. I still won’t give it any other label, but that’s how it is.
So there is nothing I would rather do than to ask her out for coffee or something. I’ve found myself more than ready on more than one occasion. It’s like casting off everything and running full speed to leap into the abyss. But I’ve stopped myself right on the precipice: a brilliant braking manoeuvre. You see, the problem is that I think. I think too much. I know “foresight is so often blind”, but it’s what I’m cursed with. I think about everything, ‘running simulation and situations in my head’ and then weighing the outcomes. This is, I believe, a common observation by women about men: men over think things, especially at the start of a relationship.
Here’s what bothers me at the moment: me. Reading though the archives of this blog, you’ll find I’ve sporadically complained about some dark hole I’m in. Although I’m still not ready to divulge the details, I am still a mess. I’m a little better, thank you, but only slightly. Nobody likes it when somebody brings baggage into a relationship from day one and I have a cargo hold full. Everyone has issues, I know, but I believe mine shows a bit obviously at the moment.
For once in my life, I’m not scared of rejection. I’m ready to take the chances, roll the dice and pull the trigger. I’d rather know than wonder. Still, I won’t shoot myself in the foot with something like this. For once in my life, I have a valid reason to be cautious, to keep my distance temporarily. And here I am back again in my cosy little niche between the wall and the rock face. I always end up here.
posted by phantom-99w at 23:47
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