Alea iacta est

Playing Rome: Total War while drunk is fun :)

I’ll admit to not having ever been drunk. I’ve been severely hammered, but not drunk. I define drunk as losing all control due to alcohol. As I’ve said, I’ve been severely hammered, like now, but not drunk. I’ve always had a sense of control (al be it diminutive) and, most importantly, I’ve never blanked out due to anything. Enough alcohol has this weird effect I cannot pin down: my vision seems extremely clear in the centre, but the edges are foggy. Weird. It is extremely easy to lose vocal motor control; mere temptation is enough to set one off. When my mouth is shut again, I still have the ability to reflect on “what/why the hell did I just say?” Weird. Interesting, though.

So, I’m relatively sure that I have flunked my Mathematics for this semester. The algebra, at least. I’m a little unsure of the calculus I just wrote. We’ll see. I’ve left everything to divine Will. Of course I’ll be upset if things don’t go my way, but one tends to resist change or ideas if it doesn’t reflect what you expect/want. Perhaps I’ve just played my final card; pulled the trigger once too often. I’ve survived enough on coin flips, maybes and perhaps’. It’s time to face the music, I guess.

What really bothers me, though, is that I was prepared. I knew the work, understood it (which is more that I can say for most of the time); yet still I managed to screw up. Little mistakes, irritating mistakes. But try explaining that to the professor...

My ability to discern between what is difficult and not is all that keeps me sane these days. I might (nearly) fail tests and exams, but I can always walk out and pass accurate judgement on the difficulty of the test. I might do badly, but I can distinguish between a difficult test and a easy test I simple wasn’t prepared for.

But I honestly don’t care too much at this point in time. I am physically sore (back, arse and shoulders) from studying, I am numb to emotions (from anything, good or bad), I feel I have sacrificed enough to the university this semester and I want to be released from it. Argh.
I have decided to not continue studying pure mathematics next year. This choice is strategic to my course (and major) and has not been influenced by the today’s papers. That is to say if I am not forced to repeat Maths II...

I only have one subject left in this exam: Applied Mathematics. Technically it’s only a test, so I’m done with my exams. But, unfortunately, I have a lot riding on this test (unlike others – I viscously screwed up the previous one), so I’ll have to make Saturday count. For the past two weeks, I’ve only been holding out for next Saturday night: then I’ll be free. For better or for worse, I don’t care.

“I also sometimes wonder how it must feel to be prepared [for a test/exam]. I think I’ll be uncomfortable.” -Sparrohawk