Ye Old Peeps

Nothing beats getting a couple of mails from old friends ‘lost’ somewhere over the seas that isn’t here. Thanks everybody, I’ll try to get around to everyone soon! :-) Good luck with the travels, enjoy it, stay safe, and God Bless!

Melancholy Man

I was just walking down the street, feeling the warm sun baking me through the overcast sky and watching as the grey, blue and white clouds and mountains merge into one all along this valley town, when I was reminded of an old feeling I haven’t had in years. I got it around this time of year and it was the feeling that the end of the world is near. Strange, I know. But it wasn’t depressing or scary: when I got the feeling it fired me up to want to go out and do things while I still can. All the things I want to do...

Today classes ended at the university. My Computational Physics report (Deterministic Simulations of Planetary Motion) has been handed in (I only did half of what I was suppose to do, but I don’t care anymore), so now I am finally free to start thinking of the exams which are starting on Tuesday. My first subject is only next Saturday (I’m writing on a Saturday, can you believe it?), but I haven’t even considered the exam. Meanwhile everybody else around me has been scurrying around panicking about it for weeks. Let’s hope it isn’t too late for me.

On campus there was this weird mood. The people who attended classes today (I wasn’t one of them) were few; some had gone home and others were in their residencies. It was like a mutual sigh of relief: classes have ended. But the jubilation has been subdued by thoughts of the exam. By this time in 15 days’ time, I’ll be on holiday. If everything goes well, I’ll be half way in my undergraduate course. Can you believe it...

Should I be asked to describe myself in one word, I would strongly consider “melancholy”. I really hate it to restrict anything to a single idea, concept or word, but sometimes you have to. I consider melancholy, because I believe it is a feeling that can be very efficiently be impressed on somebody. Sure, there are others: love, lust etc, but there is something about a sombre story or tale with a twist in the tail that intrigues me; the bitter aftertaste. I can’t explain it. Now, before all those psychology majors start talking about depression, rest assured that I’m way ahead of you – it isn’t as one dimensional as that. I find comfort in this feeling, but not only in it. I feel at ease and at home in it, but also else where. Sometimes a sad song or the like can actually lift my spirits. Perhaps it has something to do with sharing feelings: when I am down, it’s reassuring to know that others are down, too. Then let us be down together! There is comfort in numbers. Also, in a song, a person hides nothing: a sad song is mostly a display of raw emotion; the singer’s façade has been striped to nothing. A sad song, I believe, confers more emotion than, say, a love song (the latter is, most of the time, much too commercial to mean anything). When I am not alone, I know that tomorrow will bring another day. Also, a feeling of melancholy can cause one to retreat to an isolated place, even if it is only mentally. As an introvert, that is something I can appreciate. But, like I said, I am not consumed by it. I’m am not goth or hostage to some weird sect; its not something I relish in and identify myself with. I experience the whole array of emotions like everyone else (not that I’m saying goths don’t – please, nobody bug me about the goth comment or take it personal). I just view “being down” a little different from everyone else. But please, I beg of you, never ask me to break myself down to a single word or phrase!

I thought about this when I was walking down the street just now. End of the world and all that. It’s not that the general mood on campus today was particularly heavy, but it was subdued, like I said. I think that may have something to do with it. But what I also took from it was that feeling of being free, released and invincible. Odd combination, but I like it that way. Today is a beautiful day: the symbiosis of nature and daily hustle and bustle plays well to create an invigorating atmosphere that is almost tangible. Best of all, I might be the only one to see it that way. :-)

Lord Vader, Rise

So I guess just about everybody is ranting about Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. It’s the flavour of the hour. This is the end of an era, something I witnessed. Now I’m going to throw in my two cent’s worth. I saw the film last night. First off, let me say that I was thoroughly impressed and that I really enjoyed the film. I don’t know if it was just George Lucas who had succeeded to make everybody’s expectations as low as possible after the previous two films or if it was something else, but the film was quite good and brought the closure that was needed in the epic saga. The film is a rousing success all over the world. This is not only because it leeched off the wallets of the Star Wars junkies, but because, after three decades, the Star Wars story spans over two genres of science fiction. The series now caters to two mindsets. Let me explain.

People like to say that “Star Wars is so successful because it appeals to everybody blah blah sense of good and justice blah Jedi blah struggle between good and evil yada yada technology will advance, but fail us blah wisdom yada yada Yoda yada...” This is indeed the case. Well, it was the case. In the seventies. Think about it. The original Star Wars and Star Trek came from roughly the same period. In both stories there was conflict, but the good guys always came out on top. It was a metaphor for any (good versus evil) struggle and of course people want good to triumph (peace of mind, better future for everyone etc.). Back then, it was something people could relate to. It was a real life “good versus evil” struggle. It was the Cold War. Everyone was dosed up to the eye balls on propaganda and it was important to emphasise the victory of “good” in order to give the masses peace of mind. “In the end, everything is going to be all right.”

Come the eighties, there started a shift of focus. A new type of science fiction had arisen: cyber punk. Suddenly the future wasn’t as rosy as we had always been told it would be. It was dark, oppressive and the protagonist was often an anti-hero. Situations and stories got a new “sting in the tail” and everything sweet left a bitter aftertaste. I’m not exactly sure why this mindset, this divulgence into cynicism and despair, caught on, but it did (it was obviously sparked by the punk and goth movements which basically aimed to contrast the set ways of society). I sort of grew up with the cyber punk themes. Examples of cyber punk stories include Blade Runner, The Matrix (including all the stories it was drawn from), Ghost in a Shell (anime), Evangellion (anime), Fallout (game), Deus Ex (game) and Jeremiah (comic and TV show). Think of all the ‘hacker’ and post apocalyptic stories. Even X-Files and Sliders. We are still in this era. Indeed, cyber punk has only recently become ‘pop’. Even Star Wars and Star Trek has adopted the new mindset.

The last Star Trek movie (Nemesis) had an antagonist that drew on a lot on dark elements, but was also a reflection of the protagonist. Spoiler follows in next sentence. In the end, one of the best loved characters in Star Trek: Generations die. In the third season of Star Trek: Enterprise, the mood and feel of the show was turned around 180 degrees. The cynicism and heavy demeanours that followed after the crew heard of a massacre on Earth completely contrasted the temperament of the first two seasons. Fans had mixed feelings about season three of Enterprise. Season four was better and saw a slight realignment to the first two seasons, but could not save the show for a fifth season.

Now I come full circle back to Star Wars. One of the teasing points of the movie was the statement that episode was going to be “the darkest episode of the whole series”. Whether he planned it or not, George Lucas played it well. Two decades ago, crowds in cinemas cheered Luke Skywalker on as he triumphed over the dark side in “Return of the Jedi”. Now audiences watch as a Jedi falls and Anakin dons the infamous Darth Vader costume. The watch as the Jedi’s, the keepers of peace and justice, are betrayed and literally slaughtered. The movie ends where the forces of good have to flee from the over powering dark Sith lords. See the contrast? Episode three echoed much of what one could see in the game Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic: The Sith Lords. It’s a RPG and you eventually chose your own path. But the game is laced with despair and cynicism. It boils down that an excess of either good or evil upsets the natural balance of everything. A balance is needed. For example: in the game, give a beggar some money and someone will mug him and steal his money, causing him grieve; don’t give him money, he turns to crime and kills someone for some money to survive. You are constantly reminded of paradoxes like these that exist. Thus the good versus evil conflict can never be resolved.

So, that is why I believe Star War’s success will survive for yet another generation. But the lure of the dark ending is only one element. Like I said, the movie was enjoyable by itself. Scarred by the previous two films, I started watching the movie very critically, but I couldn’t keep up the front. Money well spent.

Incidentally, not even Luke Skywalker is safe from the modern mindset. There exists a sequel trilogy to the original movies in book form. I haven’t read them, but apparently Luke falls to the dark side...

This is Sad

I’ve been spending so much time at my PC, on Linux, this past week or so, I’ve lost touch with reality. I’ve been working on my Computer Science project, desperately trying to dig myself out of a shallow grave I dug when I (carelessly) started the project. Anyway, it’s done now (with some help - thanks Freeman!). I can try to return to normal now.

It’s been so bad that, for the whole of last week, I didn’t know what the date is, but I could tell you that the moon is a waxing crescent and it has been six days since new moon. I can do this, because the version of KDE I run has a little application that sits in the bottom right corner of the screen: a little moon showing the phases (there is a clock and a calendar, too, but they are small and uninteresting). So, that has been the state of affairs. On Wednesday I have another Applied Maths test I have to start studying for, but in my infinite wisdom I’ve started playing Rome: Total War again. The good news, at least, is that my campaign is going very well...

Games aside, I’ve reached the phase where I am no longer timid and afraid. Uncertain, always, but I’ve made peace with “what-ifs”. It’s better than knowing than never knowing. You have to be an active participant: if you sit safely on the sidelines of life, someone else will crash into you when they screw up and run their life into the ditch. It’s better to deal with the carpet burns and the bruises than being in traction.

But there is always a bloody complication: fictitious or otherwise.

So there’s this girl I’ve been fancying for quite a while now. We don’t really know each other, but see one another regularly enough. At first it seemed like just another infatuation I could brush off, but this one has stuck. I still won’t give it any other label, but that’s how it is.

So there is nothing I would rather do than to ask her out for coffee or something. I’ve found myself more than ready on more than one occasion. It’s like casting off everything and running full speed to leap into the abyss. But I’ve stopped myself right on the precipice: a brilliant braking manoeuvre. You see, the problem is that I think. I think too much. I know “foresight is so often blind”, but it’s what I’m cursed with. I think about everything, ‘running simulation and situations in my head’ and then weighing the outcomes. This is, I believe, a common observation by women about men: men over think things, especially at the start of a relationship.

Here’s what bothers me at the moment: me. Reading though the archives of this blog, you’ll find I’ve sporadically complained about some dark hole I’m in. Although I’m still not ready to divulge the details, I am still a mess. I’m a little better, thank you, but only slightly. Nobody likes it when somebody brings baggage into a relationship from day one and I have a cargo hold full. Everyone has issues, I know, but I believe mine shows a bit obviously at the moment.

For once in my life, I’m not scared of rejection. I’m ready to take the chances, roll the dice and pull the trigger. I’d rather know than wonder. Still, I won’t shoot myself in the foot with something like this. For once in my life, I have a valid reason to be cautious, to keep my distance temporarily. And here I am back again in my cosy little niche between the wall and the rock face. I always end up here.

The Land of Adam Tas and Simon van der Stel

One of those useless things: it was just 05:05 PM 05/05/05. Next year there's going to be mass hysteria again...

I've been living in my new home for little more than half a week now and everything is going good. My housemate and I are getting along quite well. Neither of us can cook, but I think, seeing as how we survived this far, everything is going to turn out fine. My brother gave me a beginner's cookbook with easy and quick recipes. It looks fun and I'd like to try out some of the dishes soon, but reading through even the simplest of recipes I realise how utterly useless I am at in the kitchen. I'm a man of science and I've found cooking to be more of an intuitive process. Meh, stop making excuses...

I can now get up an hour later; something I am very thankful for. Getting to classes involves (at this time) a brisk walk in the fresh morning air, which helps to wake you up and get your spirits up for the day. In the afternoon I can grab a quick nap and then I'm ready to work for the rest of the day (that sentence made me feel so old...).

There's an old saying in Stellenbosch: if you go away for a weekend and you return to find the leaves on the trees in red, brown and yellow and falling to the ground and you haven't started studying (for the exam) yet, then its too late. Even though I've been better academically, I'm going to be taking it a little slow this week and the next. I'm settling in and, more importantly, taking in the atmosphere. By “atmosphere” I'm not necessarily referring to the “student life”, but rather the peace I now find in this town. Its the feeling I get when I look over my computer screen into the “busy” town street. Its the feeling I get when I look at the Stellenbosch mountain draped in dusk. Its the feeling I get when I see the sun cascading through cracks in the clouds on a perfect day. Its the feeling I get when I look at the ominous autumn leaves lying on the grass of the hostels that flank the streets. Its the thought that, as a student, there are no limitations and no end to independence.

To many, these little observations are insignificant, but I find much joy and comfort in them. They provide solace for yet another tut test failed and sooths over the burns of yet another foul mood. At the end of the day I am able to shake everything else off and feel good. Still a little empty, but good. One step at a time.