Happy Holidays

My mood has been slowly declining over the past week or so. My listlessness is getting me down. Being on holiday and wanting to do something but not doing it is like spending your life afraid of death or the end of the world: when it come, you've spent all your time cowering, even though you couldn't prevent the end by doing it, and little or no time enjoying your life.

Its been rather quiet for a while now. I've been working on rebuilding the website. A few days ago I got a couple of ideas and renewed interest in working on it. It being a hobby, I guess I can't really say I have done nothing. It's nice to see things come together, especially on with a website, because it requires much less underlying coding before you start to see results. I still have a bit left to do before I would want to put up the new stuff. Maybe by the end of the holiday. It just amazes me at how its the absolute tinyest things that takes the most time to get to work. But, I believe that is not uncommon...

I only work on the website for a couple of hours a day, though. The rest is spent, wasted, on loafing. It is what I wanted, but it gets to you after a while. Heh, I didn't look for work, I could've volunteered at a soup kitchen or something but I didn't... a fine example of a human being.

I'm sorry, I guess I just have a little bit of the blues. It's from a few different sources, but the mental wallowing caused by the isolation enhances it all.

But I'm not the only one. Over the past few months and weeks I have seen some of my friends transform and bare a side everyone mostly keeps to themselves. Not people to worry about relationships and such “in the open”, lately everyone seems to be in the grips of infatuation. And love, as some claim. Everything from recent attractions to old crushes are now drifting up to the surface. Strong people have suddenly become vulnerable and nervous about the smallest details. I can't help but smile in comprehension, because I've also layed awake at night worrying about the most inconsequential things imaginable.

But, in the early twenties, the feel about all this is different than it was during the school years. While nobody I know is planning anything major, the future is in the back of the mind many times. That, and the awareness of the first peers have already fallen to engagements, marriage and children. We are still young and we don't want to think about whether someone is “the one”, but you can't help it and, at some point, you have to consider it. After a sufficient time to have fun, some might say. But then there are those of us who always jump the gun.

So it's relationship worries abound, but my concerns are beyond the scope of everyone else's. I wish everyone good luck with their endeavours. Don't over-think it, go with the flow and be patient, but don't be passive. May everyone get their piece of happiness. May I get my answers.

After the weekend a few friends are leaving for a road trip to Johannesburg. I only found out about this yesterday, but it doesn't matter as it doesn't concern me. But it is going to mean that the loneliness is going to fester further as my communication void will be complete. More silence. It forces you to think. But you don't want to think. But you have to. I must concerntrate.

On a completely different note: I've decided I'm going to take Fluid Dynamics next semester in stead of Computational Physics 3. I believe the latter will be much, much easier than the former, although it will also require a lot of work. But, with Fluid Dynamics I shall have an additional “major”. It also appears to me that many applications of mathematics draws on Fluid Dynamics. Its going to be hard and at times I'm going to regret the decision, but at the end it will be worth it.

Another Day Foiled

For the whole week thus far we have been having really nice weather. The weather has actually been nice for two weeks now. I have been rather successful in following my resolution to properly veg for the start of the holiday, but I had a little guilt feeling of spending my days indoors when it was so lovely outside. The problem is getting up so late: if you haven't been outside before noon, then it's hopeless. So, today I had planned on going out a bit; not necessarily going somewhere specifically, but just getting out. An early wake-up effectively crushed that resolve, because now I'm so hazy I'd maybe fall asleep in the mall if I'd sit down somewhere. And, to boot, today it's cloudly and on-and-off rainy: stay-in-doors weather, what I've been hoping for for the past two weeks. Meh, like the 24-hour diet: I'll do it tomorrow.

Today is the winter solstice down here in the southern hemisphere: winter is half-way. For me, this is good news, because I'm a summer guy. As I've recently started to admit, all seasons have a charm and get tedious after a while, but I prefer the warmer weather and longer days. So far we haven't had a mind-blowing amount of rain, so the wet is still to come, unless we're going to have another drought, grr. At the start of the season I predicted it to be a cold one. Apparently the past two years that I've been on Stellenbosch and freezed my arse off it hasn't been as cold as it usually gets. But the cold is good for the grapes, apparently...

Today Nikki and her folks leave for Florida, USA. Well, the first stop-over is London, but, yeah, well, they're going to Orlando. So, for the next two weeks my cellphone is going to be reasonably quiet, which is going to accentuate this feeling of a communication void I've been getting again. When she gets back, I'll go up to see her for about a week. When I get back, I should have about half a week's holiday left ;-) So, Nikki, enjoy the trip, relax, fly safe and bon voyage!

Is it June already??

BWahaha!! Bwaha - *cough, cough* - ahahaa!!

Yes, I am the sickly, elderly old mad scientist that finally, finally, after all these decades, killed the super hero and is actually going to take over the world by pressing the big red button. Everything is perfect, except for the fatal stroke I am about to have...

For those of you who just tuned in and is a little confused: no, I am not sick or elderly, yes, I am a fledgeling scientist, the madness is still in dispute. I was merely trying to make a point: I feel great in the sense that my first semester of the year is *very nearly almost* over, but, alas, it came at a very steep price.

And, no, I did not hope to win the Nobel Literature Prize with that little piece of writing above.

So, to recap, I have now finished my exams, but still need to do one report for Coding Theory and then I am officially on holiday. Except if I have to do a re-examintion. Yes, boys and girls, it's that time again where I now say I peace about what I so affectionately call: My Exam (Part V).

What was really remarkable and noticible with this exam was my total lack of motivation or will to study. I know nobody is ever really "in the mood", but at the very least I can always muster that last bit of energy and perceverance to push through the last few week. This time... it wasn't so much so. I could cite my usual reasons and speculations, but I won't. I don't actually know what the reasons or changes was. Best bet: burnt out. Meh. I started off with Cryptology. One subject, two part, three lecturers. It was okay-ish, but I'd be lied if I say I was happy with how I wrote. The next day I wrote Numerical Methods. This one was going to be interesting, because this lecturer has a nack of putting questions in a paper that leaves of thinking "Huh?". Not that they are necessarily difficult, but, well, yeah. This one wasn't so bad though. If your expectations are low, you are easily satisfied.

A week later we wrote Operating Systems. I had about half a week to prepare for it, but all my goofing off eventually caught up with me. (There was also the matter of Nikky and I having a little fall out, but things are pretty patched up now, so it wasn't anything terminal. Still, in the moment, this didn't help my situation.) It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. Then, last night, ha, was the crown jewel! Theoretical Computer Science! When the semester started I thought I was going to loath this subject. I quickly warmed to it, though, although the lecturer, I believe, didn't ever really warm very much to me. She... no, lets not go there. She is good though. (Side note: I think I once drove the Computer Science lecturer to tears. Does that count as some type of rite of passage somewhere? Some people had grief about the lecturer, others with the course and others with the department. The words weren't always very... objective. This did, however, spark a brief, what I believe to be constructive, debate. I hope something will be learnt from this, but maybe more on that on another occasion. Or not. Eh.) Anyway, back to the Theoretical Computer Science paper. This lecturer has slightly higher standards than the rest. The pro is a quality, though harsh, education. The con is that her papers are of slightly higher standard and she grades strictly. Since coming to university I have made the observation many a time that the tests and examinations aren't what I would objectively describe as difficult. If you study hard and understand the work, you'll do well, let alone pass. Sure, there has been a few above and below the line, but I think last night was a bit more above the line than usual. Still, the paper probably wasn't that bad, but considering the circumstances (we had very little time to study) it was not nice. I felt very bad while writing (40 blank marks staring back at you after to first pass through the 70 mark paper), but when I finished I didn't feel so bad. This was, in part, due again to what I call the Mutual Suffering Effect. To explain: you feel slightly better when you realise the others wrote just as badly as you did as opposed to just you writing badly.

So, in summary: the results of this exam is going to be interesting! :-D We'll wait patiently and see. Time to recline a bit now.

Yay, finally got the laptop (at first there was a problem with the hard drive, but everything seems a-okay now). In fact, this is my first post written on the laptop. Ya-hoo! It was but one of the things that battled with the books for my attention during the exam. In won many times. But, the novelty is wearing off and it is starting to settle into its role as a mere tool.

Have I become a yuppy? When the year started, I had no cellphone (it was stolen, remember?), staying at home (although it was the holiday, so that is entirely legit) and accessed our dail-up internet with much grief and guilt due to the ever present awareness of The Telephone Bill. Now, I'm sitting in my room at the flat, comfortable in my black high-back leather chair typing on my newly acquired laptop. Later I'll want to check my e-mail. I can do this either by using my fancy cellphone by going to the WAP site for my e-mail provider or I can hook up the cellphone to the laptop and voila: free wireless (al be it slow and unrelyable) internet. The other day I caught myself working on the laptop while taking a call with my cellphone and receiving a SMS at once. I might as well also have had to laptop hooked up to my PC and transferring data on my own little LAN.

Is this me? Am I that important? Have I become some sort of big shot? A playa? No. I'm still who I was. I'm still an undergraduate student at the University of Stellenbosch. I'm still don't have a job for some income. I still have issues and stuggles. But, could I be turning into what I don't want to be? Someone so wholly reliant on technology and possessions that he can't function without it? At the beginning of the year I noticed how "alone" and "disconnected" I felt without my cellphone. I only got a few SMS's from Nikky a day and once in a while from someone else, but I felt so disconnected... But, I think I'll be much worse I this cellphone gets stolen. I'll still feel disconnected, even with an older model phone, because I have grown so use to checking my e-mail, Googling, reading Wikipedia, BBC News and checking out bulletin boards on my phone whenever and wherever I want. Call, in bed, whatever. Isn't this mobility restricting me more? Is it really freeing me? I don't think so. It's nice and convenient, but that doesn't mean it's good for you. I'm still going to continue to use it, though. As long as I remember that it is merely an expendable tool, I'll be alright.

All these things have come so quickly. Can I afford them? Also, it is much easier to loose than to gain. Will this all soon be taken away from me? Is there a lesson-in-waiting laying in this whole situation? I don't know. Time will tell. Until then, I must remember that all this is fleeting and just stuff. Oh, and no, I'm not happier with all of it than I was without.

It's June. It's winter. It's cold and dark. The year is very nearly dead center. What do I have to show for it? Not a whole lot. All my ambitious plans lie in tatters. I did not expect the semester to take so much out of me. To steal so much me from me. Stronger resolve for the next semester? It's all we have: continuing on and trying again.

I'm staying at the flat till next week sometime. I need to finish this final project and then I want to take the laptop to have it registered at the university. That might take a day or two. I also want to get around to friends before everyone disperses for the holiday. I guess I'll be at home for most of it. No big plans. If I don't have to do a re-examination, I'll have nearly two month's worth of holiday. Aah...

Can someone just help me with my somethings? Someone has to have the answer. Even if nobody has it, someone must be able to approximate it really well. Answers: that'll most likely make me happier. Or, at least, put me on the path to it.