Brother Past, Brother Present
The past few days I've been feeling... the tug of loneliness on me. I don't know, but at the end of the day, when I reflect on all that has happened, I get lonely. These days, not much gets accomplished during the day and I wonder how things could or would be different if I wasn't alone. Its not the kind of lonliness that can be remedied by visiting with friends, and I feel guilty about that. I have a girlfriend, but she is almost 2000 km away. At this very moment she doesn't even seem able to receive my SMS messages. So its just a guy, alone in a flat on a Friday night listening to some music with the wind howling outside and rattling the doors and windows. I don't feel bad about where I am per se, just alone.
I don't think I need to feel guilty about my position. My past choices have brought me here and they will take me many different places still. The thing is: nobody expects them to necessarily be the correct decisions. I am at the point in my life where a person makes mistakes; it is, afterall, the first wobbly steps into selfsustained adulthood.
I feel the tug of loneliness at my clothes and the past snapping at my heels. I try to ignore all of it, but I do find refuge in the malancholy and the memories. Of course I try not to be suffocated by the patchwork blanket of these things, but sometimes you get sleepy and then your mind starts to wander before you loose consiousness. It is not in the dream world where you find your fears and your delights, but in those last few semi-consious moments.
They say people are only themselves when they are alone behind their closed bedroom doors. They say you should measure your faith, morality and demeanour then. But sometimes the public and private personas differ enough for me to wonder if the real one isn't outside somewhere, not alone. If, when outside, you are consistant and you do not compromise yourself, then why not? We are a social people, afterall.
Wow, that took a couple of turns I wasn't expecting. Recently, agape, philo and eros has just weighing on my mind a bit more than usual.
I've started working on the mythical “new” website again. I feel good about the progress that I've made thus far, but at this point in the development its “one step forward, two steps back”. I want to do what is called a “big bang rollout”, meaning I put up all the new stuff in one go as opposed to bit by bit. This means its all still going to take a long time, but my frustration with Blogger is a good source of motivation. I actually thought that, under Google's stewardship, there might be an improvement in my experience of their quality of service effort, but, alas, this does not seem to be the case. Anyway, the new site is, more than anything, something to keep me busy with and to develop my “webbing” skills with.
I don't think I need to feel guilty about my position. My past choices have brought me here and they will take me many different places still. The thing is: nobody expects them to necessarily be the correct decisions. I am at the point in my life where a person makes mistakes; it is, afterall, the first wobbly steps into selfsustained adulthood.
I feel the tug of loneliness at my clothes and the past snapping at my heels. I try to ignore all of it, but I do find refuge in the malancholy and the memories. Of course I try not to be suffocated by the patchwork blanket of these things, but sometimes you get sleepy and then your mind starts to wander before you loose consiousness. It is not in the dream world where you find your fears and your delights, but in those last few semi-consious moments.
They say people are only themselves when they are alone behind their closed bedroom doors. They say you should measure your faith, morality and demeanour then. But sometimes the public and private personas differ enough for me to wonder if the real one isn't outside somewhere, not alone. If, when outside, you are consistant and you do not compromise yourself, then why not? We are a social people, afterall.
Wow, that took a couple of turns I wasn't expecting. Recently, agape, philo and eros has just weighing on my mind a bit more than usual.
I've started working on the mythical “new” website again. I feel good about the progress that I've made thus far, but at this point in the development its “one step forward, two steps back”. I want to do what is called a “big bang rollout”, meaning I put up all the new stuff in one go as opposed to bit by bit. This means its all still going to take a long time, but my frustration with Blogger is a good source of motivation. I actually thought that, under Google's stewardship, there might be an improvement in my experience of their quality of service effort, but, alas, this does not seem to be the case. Anyway, the new site is, more than anything, something to keep me busy with and to develop my “webbing” skills with.
posted by phantom-99w at 08:53
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