Gran's Gone
My grandfather died in 2002. Several years before that he had a heart attack, which was the first major red alert concerning his health. My grandmother immediately dropped everything and my grandfather became her top priority. Up to his death, that is what she did. Its not like my grandfather was an invalid – on the contrary, he was still reasonably active, but near the end I retrospectively realise that he became tired with the increasing health problems. One morning my grandmother woke up and my grandfather was simply gone.
Everyone knows loss, therefore it is simply suffice to say that my grandmother was very distraught; they were by each other's side for roughly sixty years. Afterwards she was the little old widow living alone in the house (luckily the live in the same town where my uncle is the doctor) and we wondered what would happen and how she would cope. She drastically lost weight for a time and nearly cleared out the house from anything that she doesn't use on a daily basis. Again retrospectively, the first sign of trouble, I think, was her hearing that started to go. Well, we thought it was her hearing: she would take part in a conversation, but if she turned her back to you or looked away, she sometimes did not hear you talking at all. Over the past two years, however, her conditioned developed: forgetfulness, short term memory loss, confusion and paranoia. My mom and the other children believe it is dementia. I – I don't know. They never took her to an expert, probably because of her paranoia. She is afraid she will be taken away from her home (in more lucid years she said she will also die in the same home my grandfather had died in). The children wanted to put her in a nursing home, but she refused as long as she could. Eventually the realised that they would have to take the decision for her. Unfortunately, the waiting list for a good nursing home can be up to 10 years. In the mean time, however, they got somebody to take care of her. The caretaker is a friend of my grandmother, so everything can be done under the perpetual ruse that she is visiting my grandmother (or that my grandmother is visiting her). For a while I knew she recognised a person if she spoke to or saw them, but could not recall a person from memory. Recently, however, while staying with my aunt, there were times that she did not recognise my aunt, so her condition has deteriorated even further. She can also no longer take care of herself.
The thing that helps her the most at this stage, we believe, is for her to not be alone. This has, and continues to be, a cause of strive in the family. There are several different situations and reasons (four children and four spouses), but in the end it all has place a considerable stain on the family (as I have never experienced before). It has been decided that, as far as possible and necessary, the children are going to take take turns taking care of my grandmother. Today my parents left so my mom could go fore fill her obligation. We shall also be spending Christmas there (I'll go Friday). I haven't been to Velddrif in exactly a year; I've bailed out every time my folks went there. This might be the first year where I have seen the De Wets more than the Vermeulens. But I do feel guilty about it – I feel like I am skipping out on my obligation to the family. It is just going to be so hard to return there and see my grandmother again. Is that person still my grandmother – the same one I grew up loving so fondly? Why did I have to turn into such a bastard at the end of my grandparents' lives?
Sometimes I wonder whether our (especially the children, because I'm too busy washing my hands the whole time) attitude in the West is really the right one. I am the last one to envy the Japanese or Koreans over anything in general, but I do admire the deep respect they have for their elderly. In the West, when you grow old you probably grow into a nuisance, but there you are revered. How would things have been different?
Like I said, on Friday I have to go face the music from whence I have been running away from so long. If you want to rebuild yourself, sometimes you have to start with the unpleasant things first. The person that I am the saddest for, however, is my mother. She has already had to bare much more in her life than she should have. I am proud of her, but, unfortunately, I believe there is much more to come still.
God does not give someone a burden which he or she can not carry.
Everyone knows loss, therefore it is simply suffice to say that my grandmother was very distraught; they were by each other's side for roughly sixty years. Afterwards she was the little old widow living alone in the house (luckily the live in the same town where my uncle is the doctor) and we wondered what would happen and how she would cope. She drastically lost weight for a time and nearly cleared out the house from anything that she doesn't use on a daily basis. Again retrospectively, the first sign of trouble, I think, was her hearing that started to go. Well, we thought it was her hearing: she would take part in a conversation, but if she turned her back to you or looked away, she sometimes did not hear you talking at all. Over the past two years, however, her conditioned developed: forgetfulness, short term memory loss, confusion and paranoia. My mom and the other children believe it is dementia. I – I don't know. They never took her to an expert, probably because of her paranoia. She is afraid she will be taken away from her home (in more lucid years she said she will also die in the same home my grandfather had died in). The children wanted to put her in a nursing home, but she refused as long as she could. Eventually the realised that they would have to take the decision for her. Unfortunately, the waiting list for a good nursing home can be up to 10 years. In the mean time, however, they got somebody to take care of her. The caretaker is a friend of my grandmother, so everything can be done under the perpetual ruse that she is visiting my grandmother (or that my grandmother is visiting her). For a while I knew she recognised a person if she spoke to or saw them, but could not recall a person from memory. Recently, however, while staying with my aunt, there were times that she did not recognise my aunt, so her condition has deteriorated even further. She can also no longer take care of herself.
The thing that helps her the most at this stage, we believe, is for her to not be alone. This has, and continues to be, a cause of strive in the family. There are several different situations and reasons (four children and four spouses), but in the end it all has place a considerable stain on the family (as I have never experienced before). It has been decided that, as far as possible and necessary, the children are going to take take turns taking care of my grandmother. Today my parents left so my mom could go fore fill her obligation. We shall also be spending Christmas there (I'll go Friday). I haven't been to Velddrif in exactly a year; I've bailed out every time my folks went there. This might be the first year where I have seen the De Wets more than the Vermeulens. But I do feel guilty about it – I feel like I am skipping out on my obligation to the family. It is just going to be so hard to return there and see my grandmother again. Is that person still my grandmother – the same one I grew up loving so fondly? Why did I have to turn into such a bastard at the end of my grandparents' lives?
Sometimes I wonder whether our (especially the children, because I'm too busy washing my hands the whole time) attitude in the West is really the right one. I am the last one to envy the Japanese or Koreans over anything in general, but I do admire the deep respect they have for their elderly. In the West, when you grow old you probably grow into a nuisance, but there you are revered. How would things have been different?
Like I said, on Friday I have to go face the music from whence I have been running away from so long. If you want to rebuild yourself, sometimes you have to start with the unpleasant things first. The person that I am the saddest for, however, is my mother. She has already had to bare much more in her life than she should have. I am proud of her, but, unfortunately, I believe there is much more to come still.
God does not give someone a burden which he or she can not carry.
posted by phantom-99w at 00:00
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