Guarding Against Strong Language

Today is National Human Rights Day. I don't know what that exactly means, but for me it implies a day of no classes. Some people might find my apathy towards our national holidays (and many other things), shocking, but I simply don't have the time at the moment to stay up to date with current affairs, let alone celebrations.

The past few weeks (going on months) have been pretty hectic for me, as is evident from my recent posts. Lately, my thoughts have cycled between literally just three things. Two of these I have discussed here, but at this stage I do not want to elaborate on any of them. All I want to say is that I am tired of feeling stressed, depressed and any other negative -sseds. I'm ready for a change.

The rest of this week is going to be pretty hectic, but I am not going to bore you with the details. I am, however, looking forward to the two weeks that follow this one. I shall be making a concerted effort start reclaiming what I feel is a bit of lost humanity. Because of the hectic time I've been having, I've been denying myself fun, enjoyment and relaxation. I've always been spurring myself on to reach the next milestone and the next. Joy has become a forbidden pleasure, much as with the case of someone grieving over the loss of a loved one. Always being shown perspective, however, I must at this stage say that someone I know recently lost his father. Again, as with one and a half year ago, perspective is thrust into my face. While I do have problems, other people have more of them. Or to a much more serious degree, at least. Change is natural and we must adapt ourselves to it. When things get tough, we need to get tougher. Of course there is a limit to everything, but it is our duty to drive ourselves (without compromising ourselves) until the current crises have passed.

Being careful of not wishing for something perhaps forbidden, I want to take things easy for a bit after this week. I am really looking forward to some of the things to come, including, among other things, a visit from a brother and his wife that was recently announced.

If attitude can change fortunes, sign me up.

Last week my aunt stayed with my cousin and I at the flat, because she was participating in a series of choir performances. It was strange having a third person in the flat, al be it family. The addition of a woman into a guy's flat also brought about noticeable, yet welcome, changes. However, that was only for a few days and now I find myself alone in the flat for days at time: since my cousin acquired his new laptop, he has sprouted wings and are no longer bound by our lovely university town... Anyway, it's weird having him seemingly disappear on a whim – he has obviously had enough of studying.

UPDATE: 2007-04-24

Wisdom for the day: "The Key is not to prioritise what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities."

Stuck in Time?

Michelle has moved on.

... There is so much I could say now. No, no more snide remarks. No more attempts are hurting or getting a skew word in sideways. No more dirty tricks or trying to induce guilt. There is just the emptiness. I have to move on as well.

Depro

I have a strong suspicion that I am suffering from mild depression. Depression is a strong word and should not be thrown around lightly (as is common practise), but my mood and demeanour seems to indicate that something is wrong. The why and how is easy: I've been under near constant stress since university started, I'm dealing with the aftermath of a breakup and there are also some other stuff going on at home. I feel trapped by work and become lonely very easily. I have also found that I tend to be resentful towards people who are having a good time or, indeed, have the luxury of time to relax and enjoy themselves. Most of my relaxation these days are passive: simply not doing work (as opposed to actively doing something to relax).

Despite this I do recognise that I have, in many ways, been fortunate thus far: every time things have been really bleak, I've been able to pull through one way or the other. Five weeks in and I am still taking four subjects (although I was very close to dropping one on Friday – in fact, as I walked into the lecturer's office to “quit”, she said she was typing up an e-mail to give us all extension for the assignment). I'm not suffering a full blown depression: I still open the curtains in the morning (unless a very hot day has been forecast) and getting up in the morning isn't more of a mission than it usually is. Its just living under all these irks that is slowly getting to me. My attitude is also more apprehensive and aggressive (towards the sources of my woes) than, for example, pessimistic and suicidal (I'm not that far gone yet by a long shot).

End of the Month

Its half-past ten on a Saturday night and I am typing up e-mails, blog posts and reports for university. Luckily my lack of social involvement and apparent disinterest in the lunar eclipse can all be explained by the same phenomenon: the driving rain crashing down on the roofs can cars outside. Yes, summer has passed (according to the calender) and we are being reminded of that in a spectacular manner. All the “winter” people (who apparently, these days, seem to be everyone) are rejoicing now. But, knowing the tenacity of South African seasons, summer isn't down and out yet: we're likely to still have a few weeks of fun sun.

So, February is on its back... and not a moment too soon! It should be no surprise that I didn't exactly have a great month: honours (to which I've been looking forward to for some time) started with a bang and I'm pretty sure it has the means to kill me still... also, and not in the least, was my breakup with Michelle. I'm still recovering from that, but we have re-established communication, so hopefully we can now start building towards a friendship. February also saw me encounter more car trouble than I would have cared for. I also watched the month (and, indeed thus far, this year) take its toll on my mother: she has been having a rough time of late.

Looking forward, I see things only getting worse over the next month or three. Whether it will lighten up after that is anyone's guess. In the mean time we'll just have to make do and try to keep our heads above water.

There is still time for this to be better than the last.