Less Than Ideal Memories
Despite all the free time which a long holiday such as the one I am on affords, reflections and introspections are scarce. This is because you are either on the go, or just vegging out completely. But in the past week some things have happened which have, quite literally, been thought provoking. I don't want to go into all of it, but I shall say that I felt like a major fake in the beginning of the week. I am not proud of it, but I honestly don't know what to make of the situation.
Yesterday I was walking around in the local mall when I saw someone there working in a shop whom I went to school with. We were never really friends and, admittedly, I had ducked-and-dived her before, but for some reason I walked up to her and greeted her. She greeted me surprisingly warmly and we proceeded to have a pleasant chat. She has changed a lot since primary school: she has grown assertive and independent, which was nice to see. I was reminded again of what a jack-ass I was back in primary school, especially towards her. I don't think of what happened back then as water under the bridge, even though I try very hard to put those days behind me. Its very simple: we were all brats and little monsters back in primary school. Still, those were the days of our emotional awakenings, and our actions towards other people bore great weight. [Primary] school is probably one of the most hostile and unpleasant environments a child can find him or herself in.
Having mostly been a “victim” during school years, I was quick to slot into the “survival of the fittest” (jack-ass?) mentality (retarded): if someone was in some sense “weaker” that you or gave any quarter whatsoever, I took advantage of that person to give the appearance that I am not completely at the bottom of the food-chain. I did this with a few people, and regret it very much today. While I cannot change the past, I can at least hope to learn from it.
People change. The people I know have all changed over the years. Those who were first are now last and those who were last are now first. We, for some people and in some sense. Earlier this year I was contacted by someone I occasionally victimized during high school during Facebook. I took the opportunity to sincerely apologize for my actions. He never responded: I do not know whether my words meant anything to him or not. He has also changed. I don't know for better or for worse. The absolute worst feeling is the thought that your malicious actions impacted someone's life negatively.
Yesterday I was walking around in the local mall when I saw someone there working in a shop whom I went to school with. We were never really friends and, admittedly, I had ducked-and-dived her before, but for some reason I walked up to her and greeted her. She greeted me surprisingly warmly and we proceeded to have a pleasant chat. She has changed a lot since primary school: she has grown assertive and independent, which was nice to see. I was reminded again of what a jack-ass I was back in primary school, especially towards her. I don't think of what happened back then as water under the bridge, even though I try very hard to put those days behind me. Its very simple: we were all brats and little monsters back in primary school. Still, those were the days of our emotional awakenings, and our actions towards other people bore great weight. [Primary] school is probably one of the most hostile and unpleasant environments a child can find him or herself in.
Having mostly been a “victim” during school years, I was quick to slot into the “survival of the fittest” (jack-ass?) mentality (retarded): if someone was in some sense “weaker” that you or gave any quarter whatsoever, I took advantage of that person to give the appearance that I am not completely at the bottom of the food-chain. I did this with a few people, and regret it very much today. While I cannot change the past, I can at least hope to learn from it.
People change. The people I know have all changed over the years. Those who were first are now last and those who were last are now first. We, for some people and in some sense. Earlier this year I was contacted by someone I occasionally victimized during high school during Facebook. I took the opportunity to sincerely apologize for my actions. He never responded: I do not know whether my words meant anything to him or not. He has also changed. I don't know for better or for worse. The absolute worst feeling is the thought that your malicious actions impacted someone's life negatively.
posted by phantom-99w at 10:34
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