One Giant Leap Forwards, One Step Taken Back

Today I wrote my final exam. Yes, I finished hectically early and loving it! While I wasn't very happy with how I wrote, nothing beats being finished. It is like experience a tiny earthquake that everyone else is oblivious to. You walk down the street and you feel physically lighter. You can look at the usual strangers you pass in the street and you can smile. Life does indeed go on and suddenly, for the first time in a long time, you feel part of it. I've been taking it peacefully since I finished: I'm trying to stretch the afterglow for as long as I can.

A brief recap of how my exam went: this exam was certainly the strangest I ever had. The uniqueness of it all started a few weeks ago we I learned that I did not need to write an exam for one of my courses. This was a welcome first. But, as the lecturer said, it was deserved. So I actually started my exam last Friday with Algorithms. Knowing it was half open book and half closed book and being lazy, it was awkward to prepare for. Still, I managed a fair amount of preparation. Unfortunately the papers did not justify the studying: I was very easy and, indeed, laughable. It is shocking that such a paper was given to honours students. Still, we don't complain: we worked hard and welcomed the downhill run to the finish line. On the other side of the weekend, however, lay a completely different experience: Graph Theory. The lecturer is strict. His strictness is always justifiable, however, but the fact remains that it is very difficult to fool him into believing that you know something you actually don't know. I probably didn't prepare enough, but I did have an exam on the Friday. The paper was pleasant, but in the end I can't make any predictions: it can go either way. 50/50. So we'll see. Today I ended with Concurrency I, which saw another first: a 5 hour take home exam. I again had inadequate preparation, but I wasn't the only one who was unhappy with how he wrote. Today's exam is thus another wildcard, but I currently (and understandably) don't care. I'm done. There were also other types of weirdness in the exam. I don't want to cause any problems, but let us just say that after this exam, I can say that I wrote an exam together with other people without us having any supervision. I don't believe there was any foul play, so I guess it doesn't matter.

So ends the first semester of my honours year. It has been both gruelling and fleeting. I am not going to elaborate on any of these two characterisations at this time. I just glad to have the four weights of my subjects off my shoulders. I can relax for a tiny bit. Yes, my holiday is two months longs (yes, I said two, not one), but I am going to have to put in serious work on my currently non-existing year project. I think I'll start with some sleep.

Yesterday I went to see my one lecturer, who is also my project leader. We talked for a while and I now have some quasi-structure to motivate me. Afterwards I decided to go visit a friend for a coffee. I didn't quite expect what I found when I arrived. My friend has told me on Friday that one of her house mates are very sick and that I should pray for her. I didn't know any details, but did so in good faith. Upon arrival at the house yesterday, I was greeted with the news that that particular house mate had died on Sunday night. Meningitis. The visit wasn't exactly light-hearted, but I stayed for a couple of hours longer than I intended: no-one really wanted to be alone or be studying. I never met the girl, but even I have been effected by the news: especially after talking with my friend and seeing how they are dealing with it. It later turned out that my mother knew the girl's mother. Small world. My mom insisted that I go get preventative medication at the hospital, but they didn't feel it was necessary.

I'm planning on going home on Friday and then returning around Tuesday before going back “permanently” next weekend. To be honest, I think this holiday is going to have a lot of pain and agony in it for me. I have some difficult issues to deal with and less time than I would like to believe. But at least I have some time to deal with it. Time has become a precious, precious commodity. How did we get here? How did we wind up this way? Why can't I stop, even if I know I really need it?

Week in Review

Very briefly:

I got a new bed! I finally got fed up for the pieces of sponge I was sleeping on an brought over a new bed and a new mattress from home. It is awesome :-D

Unfortunately I got to spend a lot of time in/on my new bed, as I was sick this week :-( Flu, I suspect, but also something in the throat. Anyway, I'm not 100% yet, but I am much, much better now.

Because of my illness, I was suppose to have lots of time to start studying in a warm, cozy environment. Unfortunately things don't always go as we plan it and I still have to start serious studying.

Went home again this weekend. Been doing so for a few weekends in a row now. I feel I need it: to be taken care of for a day or two. It really is nice. I won't be able to go next weekend, however, because I have a test on Friday and next Monday (that is why I went this weekend). I'm kind of nervous about the upcoming tests/exams... We'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Winter is here in full swing. I have to say, I am enjoying the weather: the rain on the roof, the hail against the windscreen, the grey clouds in the sky... every season has a purpose.

Two-Face

Two-Face was never my favourite villian. Well, are you suppose to have a favourite villian? I think mine is Enigma (I am now, of course, only speaking of the Batman villians). But I did like Two-Face's habit of flipping his coin to decide what to do in a situation.

My car, my poor car has become two-faced. Litterally. When you look at my car from the passanger side, it looks near perfect. There is but one tiny dent caused by someone in a neighbouring parking space opening their door, but that may have been there since before I got my car. When you walk around, however, you find a very, very different view. It started two years ago when I “lost” the strip1 that runs over the bottom of the driver's door. It might have simple fallen off, but I believe someone actually stole it. The reason for this theory is that it is extremely hard to find parts for the model of my car, hence none of what I mention here has been fixed or replaced. Then, last year someone stole my rear right hubcap (this was actually stolen). The hubcaps are cheap plastic covers, but they are much better to look at than the wheels' bolts. So now I am missing one strip and one hubcap, all on the same side of the car. But the most notable disfiguration happened last year: some (prosumable drunken) idiot rammed into my car where it was parked on the side of the road. I still don't know how it happened, because it must have been quite a feat to actually hit my car at that particular angle. Not only was the driver's door now missing a strip, but it had huge, ugly dent in it. We tried to get the door fixed, but the panelbeaters said that, if they simple knocked out the dent, the door would lose its structural integrity and be quite useless in protecting me if someone drove into the driver's door. They said they would try to find a new door, but once again the search came to nought. The latest tragedy for my car happened yesterday: I was in a hurry and forget to clear a beam when reversing out of my parking spot. That crunching sound of metal on metal is horrible. I caused a significant in the bodywork right above the front right wheel. It was so bad that the tire hit against dented-in bodywork whenever I when over or through a bump. Of course this had to change, so I just bent (“butchered” would probably be a better word) the dent out a bit with a wrench. It wasn't pretty, but we can't afford to go to panelbeaters at this time.

*Sighs and rubs temples* This is the umpteenth thing that has gone wrong with my car in the past half a year. The following has also happened:

• The fanbelt broke. As the fanbelt was disintegrating, it sounded like a flail tearing up my engine. This happened right before New Year, so I wasn't just a matter of going to the nearest shop and buying a new one.
• After that my car had a service. This isn't a problem in itself, but one would expect that they would do a full check-up of your car and catch potential problems, right? Read on.
• After the service I was told I needed a new CV joint. I wasn't happy with a noise from the wheels after that job, but I continue on.
• Some time later my car suffered a complete loss of engine power. The problem? I need a new top gasket. Ouch. My car is still trying to recover some of the power (I'm told it takes a while).
• A while ago I started to notice a burning smell in the car (I also noticed steam coming out from underneath the bonnet, but apparently that was something unrelated). It turned out that I needed a new clutch disk. $$$ bye bye bye.

The only saving grace is that we are on pretty good terms with our mechanic. So, if the car breaks in Bellville it is much better than breaking in Stellenbosch. Apart from all this, on both occations that I was forced to borrow my dad's car, my dad's car broke down in my hands. It wasn't my fault, mind you: my dad's car isn't exactly well kept.

I just don't have the strength, patience and understanding to deal with all these problems. Please, please, please let everything just be over now...

The Problem with Watching too much Dr. Phil

This week I suffered (am suffering?) an emotional breakdown¹. I am not going to go into the details of the causes and the effects thereof. This is the second one this year. I had one near the end of the second year at university and I recall that I had one during high school (in 2000, I think). It is therefore not something that I am use to or which I might consider “normal”. The thing is that this year has been pretty rough. The interesting thing is that it is rough for most people I know; both friends and family (for different reasons, obviously). I still think that I am taking it relatively hard, though. I am not, however, saying my burdens are the heaviest - not by a long shot! But here I sit, tired and defeated.

I recognised that I had a seriously problem yesterday. The symptoms had been there, however, since the day before that. I've been trying to sort things out myself and I've been better-and-worse for most of the time since then. Spending time talking with people or in their company helps. Unfortunately my cousin is away for the week, so when I'm at the flat I am left alone with my thoughts. The prognosis is unclear, but I think it might clear up as the tomorrow will get under way. The effect has been that I will probably fail the current due assignment: it is not finished and I simply can't bring myself to work on it for more than a few minutes at a time.

I use to watch a lot of Dr. Phil. I don't do that any more, but drawing on the advice he gave people and other bits and pieces of advice and wisdom you pick up throughout the course of your life, you start to feel like you can help yourself. Fix yourself. I know what I would say to someone if they were going through a rough and dark patch in their lives. And I know that it is true. But it still doesn't help much. You can't fix yourself alone. I think I'm going to start the process of getting some help. For me it is, however, not a simple matter of seeking out a shrink: there are people whom I have to consult about this first. I don't know what is going to happen down the road or how far I am going to get in this resolve, but continuing on like this is no life. I want my life back. After 16 years of conformation, I think I need a change.

Here we are. The year is fleeting past, but it is not halfway yet. I still believe the year can turn around 180º. I am starting to wonder, however, whether this year could still actually be better than the last. For that to happen, something amazing has to happen in the course of the next seven months. But I am not going to spend my time wondering about that. I am here right now: the future only stretches as far as the next assignment hand-in and past... the past is a ghost. You don't know when it will pass through you, leave you with chills or haunt you. No, the past is not a ghost: the past can provide comfort, pleasant memories and security as well. But there is a reason I chose the ghost analogy.

¹ This is not a medical term and does not have a strict, formal definition. The severity of what I experienced may be different from what you might assume.