Holiday Update

I am now in the fourth week of my holiday and have passed the half-way mark. Thus far my holiday has been a mixture of loafing about and working on my honours year project. The project is coming along nicely, albeit a little slow. I had another meeting with my project coordinator today and, for the first time since I've started working on the project seriously, I know where I am going and have an idea of how to get there. Hopefully this structure will serve as another motivator. The plan is for me to continue working on what I am busy with at the moment and expand on what I have. By the end of the holiday, this work should be done to the degree where my work could almost conceivably be implemented in real-world situations. When the second semester starts, the honours students must give presentations on their progress. By then I should have enough concrete results and planning done to receive an acceptable (hopefully positive) response. I shall then spend the bulk of the second semester working on the second phase of my project, which will stand apart from the first phase. Hopefully I'll have enough time at the end of the semester to tie up all the loose ends and round everything off nicely. Somewhere in between I also hope to weave in a little theoretical work.

The truth is, however, that I am not over-working myself. I am becoming dangerously lazy, with the past few days being of particular concern. But I feel that I am technically on holiday and I am trying to catch up on some relaxation for the sake of my sanity. I do want to do well in my project, however. This is not just because it is an integral part of my honours course, but because I have now received my semester marks (unofficially), and they are all favourable. I waited a long time to find out what my last subject's mark is, but was nearly blown away when I found out how much I had attained. I was hoping to at least barely pass (although failing was a distinct possibility), but thankfully received more than that. I know feel that I have a solid foundation to build on for the rest of the year. Also, because I passed all four my subjects, I only have to take two in the second semester. While I doubt that this will mean that I shall only have half the work, I am hoping to apply much better planning and time management in the second semester. It is still going to be tough, but I believe I shall be better prepared for the second round.

My greatest failing this holiday thus far has been the sorting out of the issues which have accumulated over the year. I have done some introspection and discovered a few things about myself, but more work still needs to be done. I am uncertain how to get out it, however: there does not appear to be a switch which can simply be flipped to fix me. But I also don't want a long, drawn out recovery. That is why I am very careful in my search for someone to help me: I don't trust just anyone and measure people who can potentially help me against a very high standard. I like to think that I am making slow progress, but something happened two nights ago which caused me to regress a bit. I feel very frail and vulnerable.

Die Berg

Ek slaan my oë op na die berge. Waarvandaan sal my hulp kom? My hulp kom van Ha Shem af, wat die hemel en die aarde gemaak het. Hy sal my nie laat struikel nie. Ek slaan my oë op na die berg. Dit is dieselfde berg wat ek ditself in die see laat probeer gooi. Ek probeer en ek probeer totdat ek plat teen die grond lê: bloed vorm op my voorkop en loop teen my wange af. My eie vingers deurboor my handpalms. My tande kners. Ek lê en ek snik, maar steeds bly die berg staan. Dan besef ek die redes waarom die berg bly staan. Indien die berg in die see sou verdwyn, sou ek spyt kry, want dit gee aan my gemoedsrus. Ek sal spyt wees dat ek 'n vinger teen Ha Shem se skepping gelig het. Dan, daar waar ek lê, raak ek aan die slaap. Nooit koud, nooit nat en nooit honger nie. Ek slaap onrustig; wanneer sal ék iemand teen die berg op lei? Wanneer sal ek iemand na die beloofde land lei? Of selfs na 'n bord kos en 'n kombers? Waarom is ek 'n skaap? Hoe lank gaan die Skaapwagter se geduld nog met my hou?

Baruch Ha Shem Yeshua Ha Mosiach. Amen.

Preliminary Thoughts on Fear

I've been thinking about fear lately. What is it? It is one of those things that, if someone asks me to define it, I'd get pretty frustrated, because it is an emotion so fundamental to any human being that it transcends dictionary or any definitions. Even though everyone understands fear intuitively, I want to strive to understand it on a different level. I haven't done a deep study or anything, but my journey did start with dictionary definitions. In one way, they all sufficed in describing what fear it. But they don't explain it, just describe it. I then turned to encyclopaedias, but gained few new insights. It is difficult to describe how I felt when I read all this. I want to call it clinical, but not because it is clean and precise, but because it is cold and impersonal.

At this point I should probably explain that I am looking for a particular explanation of fear: the cause of fear. The dictionaries and encyclopaedias all explain this well: it is a survival mechanism. Some examples: "feeling of great worry or anxiety caused by the knowledge of danger." - http://dictionary.reference.com/help/kdict.html. "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid." - http://dictionary.reference.com/help/luna.html. "an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight)" - http://dictionary.reference.com/help/wn.html. But, for my needs, they do not sufficiently describe all the causes of fear.

I am now going to try and explain the cause of fear as I understand it using analogies from nature. It is going to be overly-simplistic, but bare with me. If a hungry lion approaches an antelope and the antelope shows no fear, it will get eaten. To retain its life, an antelope must necessarily fear a hungry lion. Retaining its life serves a dual purpose. Firstly, death is never a pleasant consideration. Secondly, if all antelope are to throw away their lives because they are fearless, the species would die out. Then the lions would die out (if this fearless trend continues in their other prey) and then the planet would become an exceedingly lonely place. A consequence of fear hungry lions is that you inherently learn to fear lions, whether they are hungry (that is to say, a threat) or not.

Humans learned to fear for the same reason. We also once walked among the lions. We may not have been their favourite food, but we would have sufficed if nothing else were available (lions aren't too picky). So, I understand what fear is and where it comes from when you take that perspective. It also explains phobias: although planes crash relatively infrequently, for example, flying still carries a risk to one's life. Hence the fear of flying. Of course, once some sort of fear has taken root inside of you, it can lead to all sort of destructive, unhealthy and obsessive behaviour. Fear can thus lead to other emotional problems.

At this point it would be worth mentioning that not all fear is bad. As mentioned, fear keeps you alive in the animal kingdom. The same goes for humans. I believe fear is very much akin to stress in its role in a person's life. Stress, in moderation, serves as a motivator. Without it, people tend to procrastinate. Of course, too much stress can negatively impact your health. It can even kill you. Hence it is necessary to strike a balance and manage your stress. The same goes for fear: we need it, but if we allow ourselves to be controlled by it, it will destroy us.

But there is still one aspect of fear which I do not understand. I don't quite know what to call it, because "irrational" does not seem appropriate: even irrational fears can have valid causes. Let me explain with another example: a person who wishes to ask someone out, but is afraid to. Afraid. Fear. Why? Off the top of my head, I would say fear of rejection. Fear of rejection? How threatening is that? How does rejection kill and devour you? The best I can do is to conclude that the fear of rejection is fallout from another root cause of emotional problems: low self-esteem.

Having reached this point, I find myself at an impasse. I have not recently pondered the intricacies of low self-esteem as I have with fear. But I am not equipped to answer the resulting questions. Are all of these "deeper fears" a consequence of other factors?

What are my fears? Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. Are they necessarily rational? Are they necessarily bad? Do they stem from some other emotional problem? I have never really planned any step of my life. Like many people, I suppose, I have simply drifted from one expectation to the next. While some people rebel against this notion of a "pre-determined" life, I don't. I recognise the potential comfort it can bring. I see it as the most direct (and safest) route to what I want. I want to be a good citizen, a provider, a lover, a teacher, a husband, a father and a builder. Is it way too early to be so concerned, so obsessed, with these things? I don't know. No-one knows. There is no recipe. No set course, no matter how ideal or well thought out a "pre-destined" life is.

I am afraid that my fears will lead me to make incorrect decisions in my life. Fear does breed fear, it seems.

I am terrified by the prospect of perhaps one day learning that these things which I have mentioned are not destined for me. The fear is nauseating. Paralysing. When I speak of things which are destined or not destined, I am not talking about failure or low self-esteem.

UPDATE: 2007/06/12 19:43

I completely over-looked the fact that humans are social creatures! This adds yet another dimension to the discussion. Is the thought of seperation and of loneliness (in the extreme - a perceived result of rejection in a social context) so terrifying for some people that it is comparable to death?

Save the Cheerleader

Making good on an important promise I made myself earlier in the quarter, I recently took the first steps to try and sort out my problems which have been compounding over the year thus far. While there is still no “formal” structure in place, and I still have to very long way to go, I am positive and hopeful. I received some positive reinforcement, but also some cold hard truths. It is time for my feet to touch the ground again and for me to make my way around the coming bend.

I knew that I would not have received instructions on how to solve specific problems plaguing me. I suppose I still hoped that could happen, but that would have been an easy way out. There is nothing easy about what I am going through, but that is the point. The point is to make it through hard times and to learn from the experience. Anyway, I in stead gained a broad, new, perspective on where I am and what needs to be done. That is the way it should be, but I still don't know what lies ahead of me. That is scary, but I am no longer afraid. Well, maybe I am: fear seems to be a big role player in my problems. But I want to get through this. I no longer want to be a slave to jealousy and obsession.

I find myself in a precarious position at the moment. Inherently, I want to help people. I've know this for a long while, but sometimes it is less obvious (or the need is less strong). The fact remains that, in more than 10 years, I've been unable to become (and, at least, remain) completely apathetic about the situations of the people around me. Up until now, 2007 has been a very difficult and trying time for the most people I know. In fact, almost everyone around me seems tired and, to a greater or lesser degree, in pain. The recent perspectives I gained has endowed me with some vigour. I now look around me and I see the weariness and pain of people. I want to do something. I want to help. There are a couple of problems with this desire, however. Firstly, I am not professionally trained to help people. Pleasant words and pep talks only bring you so far. I recently came to the chilling realisation that the things I told someone may not necessarily have been helpful, despite how nice and idealistic it sounded. Secondly, how can I help other people while I am still broken myself? Do I put everything (read: everyone) on hold while I sort out my own problems? Or do I proceed cautiously as far as I know I can take someone?

I know I am not suppose to save the world. Indeed, I am probably sounding very egotistical to some readers at the moment. I am not saying I am the only one who can help the people around me. But I know something is wrong with certain people. I just can't ignore it. If I can't ignore it, what can I do? What options are available to me if I can't stand to doing nothing?