Dark Reign

South Africa is within the grip of another barrage of “controlled” power-outages. The recent woes started a little less than two weeks ago when four generators in Mpumalanga failed simultaneously. Since then, we have suffered numerous power failures here in Stellenbosch. Some of these failures I took personally, as they happened just as I sat down in front of my computer to relax a bit. At least books don't run on electricity. The other power failures I experienced were less interruptive, but just as annoying, as they happened at my respective places of work. Everyone learned long ago that you can't trust Eskom for a continuous supply of electricity, so the places of work which can afford to do so has acquired diesel generators. This includes my place of employment and the University of Stellenbosch. Computers and lights are run off the generators, but of course air conditioning is a pure luxury, so that has to be turned off. In Stellenbosch, in the middle of summer, in rooms where multiple people and running computers are congregated, it is not ideal to be without air conditioning. But, we push forward; within one or two (or four) hours, the loud drone of the diesel engines will stop as another city or area is plunged in (metaphorical and literal) darkness.

For the past five working days, I have been under the employment of the University of Stellenbosch again. This time it was as a student assistant for the Computer Science bridging course for the first-years-to-be. After the first, relatively quiet day, I was hopeful and eager to play a part in the shaping of these virgin minds fresh out of a failing school system. By Friday, however, things had turned dire. I don't know whether it was the heat or the disheartening revelation that most of the students were fledgling engineering students or both, but I found my patience wearing thin, especially with the second (and largest) group. The reality was that these poor souls were accepted by our Engineering faculty and commanded to have Computer Science as a subject somewhere along their academic journey. However, the hopeful civil and chemical engineers (probably ignorant to the true scope of their chosen study course), have little or no experience of computer programming. It was encouraging to see some of the students pick up on programming almost immediately, but with others it was an uphill battle to explain even the most basic concepts. By the end of this experience, my confidence as a computer science pedagogue had taken a severe beating. However, the money was good. Perhaps I shall try my hand as a student assistant in the second semester again.

Continuing my busy-bee streak, I landed yet another part-time job. This time it is the System Administrator of the Computer Science division at the University of Stellenbosch. Our current system administrator is leaving at the end of the month (to go be a “house husband”, in his words, in another part of the country) and we had been unable to find a replace, due in no small part to the fact that the pay is not very good. I am assured, however, that at this point most of the administrative tasks have been automated with scripts, so I won't be working myself to death, but the salary is not enough for someone to try and make a living from working there. So, due to some academic politics I am not going to go into now, I had been offered the job, and I accepted. I am still planning on studying full time, however, so my duties will be clearly defined and constrained. For the time being, am I also only employed as system admin until April, which suits me fine. The truth is that I shall be earning more as system admin than I am currently earning at my other job.

If this isn't going to be the year of the nervous breakdown or the collapse from exhaustion, it might just be a good one. I am weary of making predictions, but at the moment I have just enough challenges and opportunities in front of me to keep me on my toes, but to also keep me excited. Last week I had another meeting with my promoter for my masters again, and stuff we discussed regarding my masters really got me excited again. I only need to close this regular expressions chapter of my life first...

Saturday was my birthday. I had a quiet day with my folks and in the evening some of my friends and I went to Paulaners in the V&A Waterfront. Thanks to everyone wished me well, who joined me at Paulaners and everyone who tried to come, but couldn't make it. Sunday was more family day as my brother and his wife treated me to a Watershed concert at Kirstenbosch. I had never been to one of their concerts and had expressed my desire to attend one before. I had also introduced my brother and his wife to Watershed on a previous visit, so we were all keen to go. It was a thoroughly awesome experience! The band was great, the music was great and the venue was great. Kudos to Kirstenbosch Summer Concerts!

Manhattan Sinking

Wow, you turn over to sleep for a few more minutes, and you find that half the month has gone. Not that I have been completely passive thus far this month, but my conscious keeps bothering me about my honours project which I still have to finish (/start again). The final deadline is now within one month minus three days. Its time to put an end to this. And it is time to stop making idle threats.

Now, on to things which I have been doing. On the third of this month, I started doing “real” work for the first time in my life. I have clock in and out times, I earn a salary (of sorts) and I have a company computer on which I do tasks which have been assigned to me. So far its going pretty well. I still feel lost most of the time, however, but I manage to do what I'm assigned (although I have had to deal with many “exceptions” and technical difficulties one wouldn't normally expect – thank you Windows Vista and friends). Its a nice environment to work in. My training is, however, ongoing and not very consistent, but I write it off to the hectic time my mentor is going through (for example, one employee resigned without warning, now people are scrambling to fill the gap).

I work as a tester for a company in Dorp street in Stellenbosch. From the outside it does not seem very impressive where it is nestled in an old building which someone once called home. But, on the inside, one realises that it is larger than it seems and you quickly get a feel for the buzz of business and software development which goes on inside its walls. The company itself is not small, either, with multiple offices overseas (only our office actually develops any software, however, with the other being sales points). The supply is software regarding maritime business planning and the demand comes from people who only do transactions with at least six digits, so I can only imagine what the turnover is. The product itself is something of awesome complexity. As a tester, I'm busy learning how to use it, but with a lack of both a maritime* and financial background, I feel like I'm not understanding as much of the “basic” things as I should. Overall, everything is going well, and I'm eager to see what the near future brings, as we gear up for another major release. Amazingly, I'm coping with working nine to five, however therein also lies my biggest complaint: when I get home, I'm knackered and and can easily sleep for two hours, only to awaken and find that night has engulfed us. And it is still summer, so the sun does not go down early...

Other news has been the relocation to the new apartment. I don't really know what to call it, though; I suppose it is more of a granny flat than anything else, though I don't think I would be able to life with myself if I were to confine my grandmother to this room. Yesterday was my final big haul of stuff. And what stuff it is: I've gotten more in two month's time than perhaps ever before over the same period: a hotplate, a microwave, a mirror etc. etc. While it was nice (and humbling) to be spoiled like this, it posed another problem: how to fit everything into the flat. I still have a couple of boxes left which need emptying, but I believe most of the chaos is under control. The answer was to build higher: everywhere I can stack something, I have done so. While this means that, in the event of an earthquake I'll be crushed to death from five different directions, I think I'll be okay. The major problem now is to attach enough multiplugs to extend my two power outlets to accommodate all my electrical devices (which I might need to use concurrently at any given moment). It is also probable that I shall have to rearrange the furniture, but at the moment all seems to be going well.

Tomorrow is another day. Thankfully I only work two days a week, but this week and the next I also have commitments at the university, so I've temporarily moved back to Stellenbosch, even though I still do not consider my holiday “officially” over.

* My only knowledge of nautical terms comes from watching NCIS, although using that knowledge as the basis of anything will in all likelihood only lead to trouble. For instance, on day two I was introduced to “head fixtures”. I'm still not 100% what this is, but its something like the commitments a vessel has. From NCIS, however, I know that the “head” of a ship is the toilet. So, a head fixture is a toilet bowl ... ?

Earnest Wish

How does the year end
How does the year end
How does the year end
I do not care, just let it pass away.

Time is a fickle thing: its worst qualities are also its best. When time passes, it cannot be repossessed. It is gone. Our focus must be on the next slice of time in which we find ourselves and plan for what comes after. All we can do with the past is learn from it, reminisce over it or cringe and shudder from it. We are, broadly speaking, ever really only in one of three states: happy, sad or content. The times we are content, we normally forget quite quickly (I believe this is why time seems to “go by so quickly these days”: it is because our lives are consumed by mundane activities). Happy times are the memories we entertain with glee and joy. Sad times – well, we all know about those times. They are the memories we either necessarily carry around despite their bitter taste, or memories we simply cannot shake, for we are not even the masters of our own synapses. But, if we are honest with ourselves, we acknowledge that all memories, whether we want to forget them or not, are necessities for our being. 2007 was a year I would like to have erased from history, but the lessons learned in the “year of the assassin” might very well be some of the most important ones of my life, therefore I must carry the year around like a slightly-more-than-useless-appendix.

I am very liberal in proclaiming 2007 as having been an awful year. The reason for this is not that I want everyone to be aware of my misery and to feel sorry for me, but because all the people I know and interacted with this year suffered under it. Perhaps my own troubles made me attune to those people closest to me, but I believe genuine frowns outnumbered genuine smiles this year. The year which has just passed was one of death, divorce, pain, confusion and loneliness.

My trails started early in the year with a bad feeling in my gut about my relationship with Michelle. Like something from Aliens, “it” punched through my innards within a few weeks to emerge as something more horrible than I had imagined. Within two months, our relationship was over. However, I continued to cling on for nearly nine months, employing a range of psychological tactics which can be described as nothing else but dirty tricks. My words were not only damaging to her, but also self-destructive. The plethora of conflicting feelings I had about the situation drove me to the brink of depression. But, through the support of family, friends and a psychologist, I emerged on the other side. I did this, however, just too late. While I was still mulling over a revelation I had had one evening, whatever shadow of a relationship (friendly or otherwise) that was left between Michelle and I came to a sullen end. I am now carefully picking through the pieces; those which are worthy keepsakes will be stored safely, while the rest will be thrown out. I declare myself no longer a prisoner of this subject: I am free and I am thankful.

This year I also lost my grandmother, in a manner of speaking. While her body is still with us, her mind is tangled and contorted such that we cannot comprehend her. I am confident that everything is still there: the pieces simply do not fit together like they use to. My parents and I went to visit her again yesterday. She was much better this time. She was awake and very talkative. While her words made no sense to us, they made sense to her; there simply is no longer any sense of chronology. Despite this, for a brief moment I was able to see my grandmother again for whom I had grown up to love. She is still there. It is a bitter-sweet reality, but not a complete loss.

Academics, academics, academics! I want to line up everyone who had gotten me excited about doing honours and tell them exactly what a horrible experience it turned out to be. This was an experience shared by my brothers and sisters of the hallowed institution of the University of Stellenbosch; an angry, drained and powerless mob. But, I cannot do that to everyone who tried to instil a sense of anticipation in me – not so much because of logistics, but because these people really wanted the best for me. I cannot be mad at them for that. Honours simply was unpleasant, but whose fault is that? No-one, everyone and the people in between. While I did not finish my honours in 2007 (strictly speaking), it seems right for it to be so: an academic “set-back” of such proportions is only fitting for such a disastrous year. But, I am keeping moving forward and am anticipation starting with my masters soon...

Other problems were more superficial, but still took its toll. My car was as much trouble as an upset toddler in a supermarket. I had to contend with some mannerisms of friends which I find incomprehensible. I had to struggle through the grey muck that is morality and make some difficult decisions. There was frustration with varsity/departmental politics. And a horde of other things.

But, perhaps, I dwell on all the negative aspects. Few things are purely black or white. Like any year, 2007 had some positive fallout. On a personal level there was the realisation of the great support network I have in my family and friends. I made new friends and strengthened other friendships. I learned life lessons and I learned about myself. On a non-personal level, there were the promises of marriages, new life and new beginnings. For a select few, 2007 will even be remembered as a good year. It is not for me to take that away from anybody. But, growing into the role of narcissist, I am most aware of myself (and those [whom I allow] around me).

I like my rituals and perceptions. I tend to personify a year as a creature: a malicious beast tearing away at the populace, an angel which folds its wings around the frail populace or some mischievous monkey of which we do not know whether to be happy or angry with. For someone who is not superstitious (and, indeed, does not even consider the Georgian calendar as the “real” calendar), I place much stock in the Earth's rendezvous with that arbitrary point in space that is January the first. But I think its OK; while other people are out getting trashed, I reflect on what is important and plan for the future.

Those who have been reading this blog for a few years will know that the composition of this blog entry is accompanied by A Long December by the Counting Crows. Every year I make a silent wish (for myself and those around me and in my life) that “this year will be better than the last”. Last year's hope blew up in my face, but I kept looking forward to the next opportunity (now) that I'll have to ask for better days. Asking, after all, costs nothing. Also, this year that phrase is less of an recited incantation: rather, it is offered as a real, sincere prayer to Ha Shem that He will guide and protect all of us. Pain and bad times won't go away, but, for all those who survived the year, it rings true that “a tree is not made to bare fruit which it cannot carry”.

It is not my intention to spoil the new year with high expectations, but if we do not ask, we shall not receive.

In this year I plan to grow and continue healing. Whether this is your goal or not, I hope that you will also experience these things. May your year be better than the last. Go out and make a difference.

Blessings for the New Year.

Baruch Ha Shem!